I forgot to mention that I threw a brunch party last week for a few of the women in my ward who are having babies this summer.  It was fun.  One of the women is a big Anne fan, so I made strawberry scones and raspberry cordial (straight from the Anne of Green Gables Cookbook), and a friend brought a yummy lemon cake, and I dug out an old Anne soundtrack CD.  It made me want to thrown an honest-to-goodness Anne party someday, maybe for Cookie-Nut, when she's interested.  

TMI time:  I went to the temple yesterday and thought more about the to-have-more-kids-or-not question.  It’s sure a difficult one, fraught with guilt and second-guessing.  I feel these days as though my life is more balanced than it has been in a long time, and I really value that:  I’m exercising a little, working a little, spending time with my kids, writing a little, cleaning my house a little, spending time with my husband a little.  I feel great.  I know that having another baby will throw that off, and if I have one, don’t I need to have at least two more?  So they’ll have playmates?  And then it will be at least six more years before I attain my present levels of balance, and that’s hard for me to fathom.

Then the guilt sets in.  I’m being selfish.  And of course I’d love a baby when it came.  But would I resent it too?  And then feel guilty about resenting it, because I loved the baby so much?  And then ignore it too much?  And don’t I have more time to serve and help others now (like all the babysitting I did today and will do tomorrow), because I’m freed up a little more than women with more kids?  And then there are PDaniel and Dangerboy, neither of whom handles stress particularly well.  DB needs more time with me as it is, and what would happen to that?  I need to consider them too. 

And then I think, well, if I finish my book, I will have accomplished a major goal.  Maybe then I can have one more baby, one to be cuddled and spoiled by the whole family? 

I grew up with only one other sibling.  And we were fine.  But it was what God wanted, right, because Mom just never got pregnant again naturally, and Dad didn’t really want any more kids. 

I think I came away with the feeling that it’s up to me.  And PDan (who is inscrutable when it comes to this question).  That either way, it’s OK.  But that’s hard for me to wrap my head around, with all my Mormon conditioning.  To be honest, I think I’d be happier stopping with the two kids we have now.  If it weren’t for the guilt.

Which is where the surrogacy thing comes in.  I think it would help assuage the guilt.  Don’t know if I’m right about that.

Cookie-Nut:  Mom, can you balance books on your head?  (Yes).  Like the ladies in New York?  (I had images of beautiful models practicing runway walking.)  With food on their head?  (Turns out she was getting New York mixed up with Africa…we talk a lot about travel in our family!  It’s easy to get places mixed up.)

Oh, by the way...

...Cookie-Nut is here! She arrived this week after a routine trip to the midwife ended in a quick labor and delivery: the midwife found that my body was ready to go, and there was a small amount of concern over the baby's heartbeat slowing, so we all figured, why not have the baby today? So she broke my water at 2:00 PM (sorry for the gory details, if you're squeamish) and she was born at 5:05 PM.

Highs: Healthy baby, husband home from Ireland in time, short labor and delivery, sunny room, favorite midwife in attendance.

Lows: Nobody told me about the little button I could push to give myself more epidural medication; as it was, the epidural only worked enough to take the edge off. So now I almost know what it's like to go natural. Also, the new hospital has no nursery! So we didn't get much sleep that first night. Though the nursing staff didn't come to constantly check my vitals all night long like the first time.

By the way, if you didn't get my e-mail announcement, sorry! I tried to get everybody. Let me know if you'd like more gory details (or pictures) and I'll be happy to provide.

Pregnancy #2: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Lots of people lately have been asking me how I feel. Here are some answers.

The good:

This picture was taken about a month ago. Though I am still even more huge now (with accompanying discomfort), it's great because it means I have a growing baby inside me. I have to laugh at the acquaintances who heave sighs of relief when I mention being pregnant. "Oh, thank goodness! I thought you were, but you never want to assume..." they say. Really? How could you do anything BUT assume when you look at me? Do they think it's some kind of giant tumor?

The bad: No picture here. I've had no-fun acid reflux since December, but worse, have been subject to some pretty horrendous nosebleeds. Thank you, "increased vascular growth and circulation during pregnancy." The last bleeder left me in the bathroom for 20 minutes while my nose literally gushed. By the time it finally stopped, I looked a little like Carrie and the bathroom looked like a crime scene. Yuck.

The ugly:

Dangerboy's doctor calls it a pyrogenic granuloma. It could also be a spider angioma. I call it (to the numerous children who ask about it) "my spot." Various older women call it "a little bit of breakfast still stuck to your cheek" before they realize it's not going to come off. It's a little benign tumor filled with blood vessels that's grown bigger and bigger with my last two pregnancies. Supposedly I'm going to the doctor's in a couple of weeks to have it removed. Then I'll probably have a little scar. Sigh. Could it have BEEN in a less conspicuous place?

Sweet Pea...

So, here are my excuses:

1. First trimester. Naps with Dangerboy during free time.

2. Christmas break (gone a lot).

3. Played for Into the Woods.

4. Lazy, lazy, lazy (my cousin says I'm making brains, so it's OK).

BUT I have BIG NEWS!! So I must tell now.

We are having a GIRL!!!! Yay. Two minutes before the ultrasound technician told us, I dared to hope, just a little bit. She's healthy, so far. And still due in July. Maybe I'll post some pictures later....

Riddle's Answer

So, the answer to last week's riddle is: I'm fecund! Wait--pregnant!

And due in July. (Yes, it was planned.) Meanwhile, I feel mostly fine, though may be experiencing some teeny-tiny complications, which will likely amount to nothing. Still, a few prayers never hurt...