More than real life

So last weekend I either had stomach flu or ate something weird. It took a few days to recover, and I still haven’t felt like myself on the elliptical machine. I’m down to my lowest weight in a while, even before the flu. I’d be happier if it didn’t mean have to give up an hour every night of staying up with PDaniel so I can go to bed early (10:00) and wake up to go to the gym. If Cookie-Nut would go to bed before 9:00, it would be better, but usually she doesn’t. She sure isn’t tonight. One of us has to keep an eye on her until she goes to sleep or she’ll get up and wander around.

I had a performance at BYU last week that didn’t go well. I don’t really want to remember it, but here goes, for future laughs: I had to perform with two other pianists onstage looking over my shoulder (long story), which made me nervous; I put up my music upside-down; I did NOT play as well as I practiced (nerves); I lost my balance as I was bowing and had to lean on the pianist next to me; I (without meaning to) probably made said pianist feel bad backstage after the concert. Which was sad, because she is a very nice person, and an excellent pianist. Argh. Other rehearsals and performances have been fine, I think, but one bad night can damage a reputation. :(

Everything else is going OK, more or less. The kids have been talking about death a lot. At a St. Patrick’s day party at CN’s school, Dangerboy decorated his wind sock craft with a picture of a skeleton and a broken heart being pierced by an arrow. Oh, and the word “DETH.” Cookie-Nut told me (again) today that she likes me, and doesn’t want me to die, in this case, to be eaten by lions. ARE MY KIDS OK??

Cutenesses:

Dangerboy (after CN threw a fit because I wouldn’t let her have another piece of gum): “Cookie-Nut, you know, gum doesn’t matter more than real life.” (He gave this as a piece of brotherly advice, as we’d said similar things to him many times).

CN (resigned): “Yeah, I know.”

And another:

(DB was throwing a fit in the tub because he didn’t want to be there.)

DB: But Dad, I can’t remember how to do this! (i.e., wash himself)

PDan: What? Why?

DB: Because I haven’t done it in a long time!

PDan: (belly laugh) That’s why you’re taking a bath, kid!!

Journal Excerpts

The other night I went to a RS conference at which Claudia Bushman spoke. She really motivated me to keep some sort of journal! Someday I may not remember anything, and it would be nice to be reminded what happened in my life. She focused on recording the truth, no matter how un-pretty. But I want to record plenty of the pretty things too. So, here are some excerpts from the journal I've kept over the last week or two.

...

One thing Claudia Bushman said in her talk last week was something like, “Journaling is a zero-level activity. No matter what you do, it’s better than nothing.” I got to thinking, I worry about not being good enough at music, or writing, or mothering…but maybe all those things are zero-level activities too. Anything I do, any effort I make, is better than nothing; it puts something positive and creative into the world that wasn’t there before. So why not make the effort? Even mothering, which is the hardest…I may not decide to have tons of children, because I don’t think I’d be good at it, but I can do my best with the two I’ve got, right? Of course right.

...

Today we went to a Faded Paper Figures concert at a club called The Mint in LA. We took the kids…it was a short afternoon concert, very family-friendly. The music was a little loud for the kids (Cookie-Nut wouldn’t wear her earplugs), but we all had a blast! The kids danced with their friends the Romney boys and PDaniel and I sang along. It helped that we all knew the music from listening to both albums in the car. The band members (whom I can take credit for introducing to each other) are our friends John Williams and Kael and Heather Alden, who used to be our ward. And now I can actually say that we went to a smoky little club in LA. I admit the whole atmosphere appeals to me. Much better than the overcrowded Dave Matthews Band concert Pete and I went to in AZ. Much more “atmosphere.”

...

PDaniel and I tried for a while to stop watching TV at night so we could do more productive things, but apparently it’s how we reconnect. When we stopped we got kind of depressed.

...

I had a much-needed “day off” yesterday. Now that C-Nut doesn’t take naps any more (and hasn’t for months and months) I really have no alone time. I really need it—it definitely helps me be more sociable when I AM around people. It’s funny—I didn’t want to be an English major because I missed people too much and hated being alone all the time, reading and writing. Piano accompanying was a nice balance, because I had alone time to practice, but the rest of the work was with other people. And music departments can be really nice, supportive communities (like ASU was) so that was great too. Now I am constantly around people—mostly my family, mostly kids—and ache for time alone. And my poor husband is alone all day and aches for together time! So in order for me to be happier together…I need to get away sometimes.

...

So, while PDan took Dangerboy and C-Nut to a primary activity and (when they got home), played with non-Newtonian fluids, I worked on my stories; exercised; tried a new Ramen restaurant for lunch and finished the book Michael K; hit a sale at JCPenney and got a new Easter Dress for Clara (black with white flowers and green trim) and some new sneakers for Caleb. Then we had a nice family evening, ate biscuits and gravy and smoothies, watched some Scooby-Doo; and after the kids went to bed, we watched the Firefly movie Serenity. A good day.

The past week or so

A week or two back, the kids got into one of my jewelry boxes, which happened to be full of shiny red heart-shaped confetti. I managed to contain a lot of it, but have found it scattered around the house ever since. It's cute, really. I found one in the bottom of the laundry basket. On my collarbone the next morning. Next to the bathroom sink. On the bottom of DB's foot during a tickle fight. Just little reminders of love at home.

Went to Mary Poppins in LA last week with a couple of other women in the ward. It was pretty cool! The effects were the most memorable aspect, I think...my favorite parts were when Burt tap-danced on the ceiling (though I thought he must be so uncomfortable) and when Mary Poppins rose up over the audience with her umbrella at the end and flew away. She flew from the stage all the way over to the balcony and up into the ceiling. It was pretty impressive! The audience in the balcony went crazy when she reached them--so happy to finally get some attention!

DB and CN have been sick. CN has another cold/sinus infection, and they're both getting over hand-foot-and-mouth disease. It's not quite as bad as it sounds--a common childhood illness--but the worst part is that DB has had sores in his mouth and it hurts him to eat. And he's been QUITE grouchy. I guess you can't blame him, but he really has reverted to quasi-toddler-like arguments at times, throwing enormous tantrums when I can't reattach the crusts to his bread after I cut them off, and stuff like that.

One sweet regression: I was lying with him on his bed after his bedtime routine, and he asked me to stay. It was so sweet: he was getting drowsy, so I got up to leave as I usually do, but he'd wrapped his hands in my hair, just like he did as a little little guy, and said softly, "I don't want you to go." Well, of course I couldn't after that! So I stayed until he was almost asleep, the little charmer.

I'm having fun with my new iPod and iPod-friendly boom box in the kitchen (Christmas windfall, along with the shows I've been to recently). I haven't bought much new music yet--poor, poor, poor--but I listened to all the U2's Joshua Tree album yesterday. I'm going to get rid of most of my old CDs next time I do a purge, but that album is still good. I also got a special on an audiobook on Audible.com, which I highly recommend, and have loved being able to "read" which I do other stuff--driving, the dishes. It's like a dream come true.

Cookie-Nut has enjoyed getting into my bedside drawer lately and loves to bring me things from it. She proudly brought me a handful of cough drops, and gave them to me, saying "Meh-shee, meh-shee," and shaking her head. That means, "Medicine, and I'm not supposed to eat it." Smart girl! Every time she does things like that, it reminds me of this song, which I love, and the lyrics "I love it when you give me things,\ and you could give me anything."

A postscript: the song referenced in the last paragraph is the Peter Gabriel version of "The Book of Love." I linked the song as it appears in the finale on Scrubs, which is on in our house sometimes. Was anyone else annoyed that JD's baby was NOWHERE in that finale slideshow, or even the walk-through of the hospital at the end with all the memorable faces? Hel-lo!?!

Christmas Images

Our first actual Christmas tree (thanks, Gardener!)

Sleeping next to Cookie-Nut; being almost asleep and then feeling her tiny fingers on my cheek

Listening to the perfect high-school tunes, chosen by Shaun, the king of recorded music, as we wrapped gifts Christmas Eve

"Rock n' Roll McDonald's!" during Christmas Eve dinner. Later, Dangerboy singing it (somehow, it became funny)

Later, pillow-reminiscing with P. about about the music that used to remind us of each other before we were married (me: "Kiss Me" by Harry Connick Jr.; him: "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"--interesting)

The sweet taste of LOTS of dairy-free cookies my mom so lovingly made for me--thank you Granny Westwood for that raisin cookies recipe!!

Dangerboy in his snowsuit--blue pants, red sweatshirt, red-white-and-blue scarf. Pink cheeks. Blue Eyes. Blond hair. Why did I not get a picture??? (Oh yeah, because he wouldn't let me)

Being tackled by P. while wearing my snowsuit--the strange feel of rolling in snow but being perfectly warm. Why did nobody ever tell me how great snow pants are??

Cookie-Nut in the arms of Mom or Dad, in the rocking chair by the fire

Granny Lois' hands, holding the seashell I found in her garage

Snow, a foot high on the stair rail

Dangerboy, so excited about presents!Dad, P., and Shaun endlessly shoveling the driveway (esp. Dad). (Broken snowblower, alas)

P. looking so awesome and at home in his snow clothes, sledding in the front yard with Dangerboy and Shaun (this picture is either of Shaun or Dad though)The boys in their snow cave
Tears over nachos with P. and John at Gringos

Playing with Magnetix at the Samuelsons'

Cherie's insane theater!!

Dangerboy and Brian N. running around the house pulling strings of gold plastic beads: the next generation of friends

Dinosaurumpus

So a couple of weeks ago, we decided to try a sticker chart to encourage DB to dress himself...when he got enough stickers, we'd all go to the San Diego Natural History Museum. It worked (and he's even made a habit of it, though she still doesn''t really see the point of changing his clothes. Ever). It was kind of a big reward, but we'd actually wanted to go anyway, mostly to see dinosaur bones. Their exhibit isn't huge, but Dangerboy enjoyed it enough that he still tells people about it. They also had a couple of cool art exhibits (one African) and an almost-Imax theater. There we watched most of a wildlife movie...not all, because after a great shot of a crocodile chomping ion a baby antelope's head (and Mommy not covering his eyes in time) DB decided he didn't like the movie anymore and we left.

But Balboa Park, where the museum is located (and also the San Diego Zoo, by the way) we found to be very lovely and peaceful, with lots to do. We ate at a yummy Japanese cafe, and look forward to someday checking out the miniature train museum and the puppet theater, and if we're lucky, someday attending a concert at the really cool outdoor organ pavilion.

Concert Tickets

My cousin is trying to sell a couple of tickets to a KT Tunstall concert for the evening of May 5. She got them for $65 (including fees) but she'll give them to someone for $40. It's at the Wiltern, a beautiful old Art Deco movie palace in LA. We'd probably go, but P.'s exams are calling...

Any takers? E-mail me!

Orpheus Swims!

This is the only opera I've attended where there was a lifeguard present, in a tower, with a whistle...

A couple of weeks ago, P. and I went to see Long Beach Opera's production of Orpheus and Euridice. I'd really wanted to go, since it's a new work by Ricky Ian Gordon, a young composer whose work I've liked, and as luck would have it, I was able to get free tickets from this awesome website (every so often they have giveaways especially for people under 40)!

Gordon was actually there the night of the production. The music, like other works I've heard by him, was "ear-stretching" while still being pleasant to listen to; it was sung in English with supertitles, and both soloists were amazing (the music playing on the video clip is part of the opening to the work, which is a song cycle). Our favorite was the aria "Part of Something Now." I've heard that Gordon's opera Grapes of Wrath will be performed around here sometime in the coming year, and I'm really looking forward to that, as it's one of my favorite novels.

The other "wow" factor was that the production--scored for soprano (narrator/Euridice), clarinet (Orpheus), strings and piano--was set at an Olmpic-sized swimming pool. That part of the production was actually very cool and memorable...the soprano and clarinetist were often in boats, floating or being pushed around by "dancers," who acted out the parts of Orpheus and Euridice, as well as other characters. They were in swimsuits (often). When Euridice was sucked back into the underworld, she literally disappeared under the water, leaving behind a cloudful of white guaze, while lonely floating candles drifted at the other end of the pool, and Orpheus sang, "I am not part of anything now...."

We had just a couple of criticisms...Gordon did write the libretto himself; I've been told that composers shouldn't do this. P. and I definitely both thought he needed an editor. Also, those actors doing the miming should have been professional dancers, not actor/vocalists. The stylized movements they were required to do could have been carried off more gracefully by dancers.

But a fun evening was had by all! It was actually closing night, so after the show, the whole cast and crew jumped into the water (instruments being safely stowed away).

(Thanks to our friends J. and B. for babysitting!)

Behold, all flesh is as the grass, and all the worldliness of man is as the flower of grass

So, I get to sing in the Brahms Requiem with the OCC chorale tomorrow night. I've been playing for rehearsals, but as the orchestra will be playing tomorrow night, I get to sing instead!

And, we get to sing it in English instead of German, which, though a musical heresy, is nice because then I know what I'm singing about. And here's what I think: From what I know of the piece at this point, there are more tragically bleak parts (see blog title; also "Lord, make me to know that I must perish...what do I wait for?" that work than transcendently triumphant ones (But yet, the Lord's word endureth forever!).

What I'm saying is, it feels like Brahms knew just as much (if not more) about existential crisis as moving beyond it. From what I know about his life and music, both were full of feeling, but his life may have been lonely...he never married, and it's widely believed that he suffered from unrequited love for Clara Schumann, his mentor's wife. And I don't think that he was really devoutly religious. So the piece is so moving because it's so human; it suffers, but it wants so badly to transcend.

Performance is at 8:oo tomorrow night at OCC; $10 if anyone is interested. But probably nobody who comes will have as much fun as I do singing it!

How Can I Keep from Singing?

One to add to the list of things on NPR that made me cry in the car this week as I listened: Martin Sheen singing.

Actually, they were mostly happy tears. Mr. Sheen, I learned, has been passionate about human rights causes since using the services of a soup kitchen as a young actor. He mentioned the marches in Myanmar before performing this hymn on Prairie Home Companion last weekend. The song is one of my favorites, and though he is not a singer by trade, it was obvious that he believed what he was singing. Below are the words, and here is the link (it's in the third segment). BYU Singers and, I'm told, Enya also do lovely arrangements. (Dangerboy fans, I'll write more soon!!)

My life goes on in endless song
Above earth's lamentations;
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
That hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear its music ringing:
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

While though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
And though the darkness round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.
No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble in their fear
And hear their death knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near
How can I keep from singing?
In prison cell and dungeon vile
Our thoughts to them are winging,
When friends by shame are undefiled
How can I keep from singing?

Transcendental Tunes

(photo by Gabe Guilfoil, entitled Appalachian Spring)

Saturday night I had the opportunity to play one of my favorite pieces, Copland's Appalachian Spring, in a concert at Orange Coast College in Costa Mesa. Oh, the bliss! I was first introduced to the piece at a friend's funeral, but since then I've come to appreciate the piece for "its own sweet sake." There are time in music when, as I listen, I have a sensation of having been thirsty and drinking in draughts of pure light. Appalachian Spring has many such moments. I wish I could make you all listen to the piece over and over until you loved it as much as I do.

Even better, I worked on the score a lot with the conductor in the weeks before the concert, and I got to play off a rare copy of a reduced score written in Copland's handwriting. And since the piece is a ballet, dance cues were written in--a particularly lovely chord might have "embrace" written above it., making that musical moment more meaningful. Even better, the piece was programmed with "Fanfare for the Common Man" and an arrangement of "Amazing Grace," two more transcendent pieces. I was so thankful for the opportunity to do something classical again...it's harder work to find.

Actually, I was terrified of the performance, particularly because of the Amazing Grace piece, actually. It is scored for orchestra, solo viola and piano (me!). Everything was fine until the composer came to the rehearsal the night before and said it needed to go faster (what?!!). I didn't play too well that night. The night of the performance, nobody I knew was coming to watch (yeah, I don't think I told anyone...too busy practicing), and I was feeling kind of down. But the conductor was really supportive, and then at intermission Amy (who got me the job) and James showed up, fresh from the RS broadcast! That truly made all the difference. Though my own playing wasn't quite as transcendent as the writing, I was pleased with the way things turned out. Thanks!

i like kittens...and jackknives...and pennies...and rosebugs

Yesterday I played for a funeral at church. The woman who passed away was named Kim; she'd been a member of the church for less than a year. I didn't know her, but I'd seen her around, and once she made a kind comment about Dangerboy, but I don't remember what she said. She was in her thirties--had been ill for about four years. I came away wishing I'd known her. She and her husband had been together since junior high (she was a straight-A student); she worked with autistic children and was passionate about helping them; she donated a kidney to her father and help him live ten years longer than he might have; she was very committed to her new church membership, e-mailing the bishop often. Her family (in speeches) said she had a plan for everything--the bishop said that in one of her last e-mails, she wrote up her plan for a system of increasing sisterhood in the Relief Society. What a lady. Wish I'd have been able to know her better 'round here.

The service was uplifting; despite the heartbreak the family must have felt, there were many touching, funny moments. And while I know that funerals are for the living, whenever I attend one it's impossible for me not to think of what my own funeral might be like--or what I'd like to see, were I able to attend it. I'm actually somewhat serious but, don't worry, not planning on leaving anytime soon. Hope this isn't offensive to anyone:

--In the place of honor, my senior picture should be used (the photographer's blowup) as a monument to my vanity, even if I live until the age of 101 or more

--Music and poetry should be chosen meticulously; John Cage's 4:33 might allow for contemplation and get a few laughs (it's a completely silent piece); old folk hymns are good too. And I like Louise Gluck's "The White Lilies" for poetry, though there are probably others.

--After a glowing eulogy, allow for some open-mike time (not more than, say, 45 minutes)--if nobody can think of any fond memories, not-so-fond ones will do, or better yet, outrageous lies (think "she spent every spare moment making sweaters for oil-spill-damaged penguins" or something).

--Although a New Orleans jazz funeral would be ideal, it's probably unrealistic; so how about recordings to play to and from the cemetery--a jazz dirge on the way there, something upbeat on the way back to get everyone in the mood for a good Mormon funeral buffet. (See this Langston Hughes poem--another favorite--scroll down on the page to see it in English)

--No viewing. (I don't think Kim had one either, actually.)

--"In lieu of flowers" donations should be sent to children's charities, if anyone feels the desire.

I think that's it--if I think of anything else...I'll change it!

The painting is Funeral Procession by Ellis Wilson

Water and Sleep

At ol' Ricks College, in the Collegiate Singers, we once performed an arrangement of Hark I Hear the Harps Eternal, a 19th-century Southern song with a good tempo for rocking a chair, or maybe rowing a boat:

Hark, I hear the harps eternal

Ringing on the farther shore,

As I near those swollen waters

With their deep and solemn roar.

And my soul, though stained with sorrow,

Fading as the light of day,

Passes swiftly o’er those waters,

To the city far away.

Souls have crossed before me, saintly,

To that land of perfect rest;

And I hear them singing faintly

In the mansions of the blest.

Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, praise the lamb!
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Glory to the great I AM!

The song is about, on one level, crossing over; as in crossing over to the afterlife. I can't relate to that meaning yet, on a personal level, though I suppose I will someday. But I used to hum this tune as I did baptisms for the dead--I like the baptismal image of water, like to think that this song might be sung from the point of view of one waiting for on the other side for the ordinance to be performed for them. More recently, I've come to think of these crossing the waters in the song as crossing over into sleep, and I sing this to DB quite often. Some of these old hymns are so rich--this one touches me on rather a mystical level.

Other waters: my parents came to visit this week, and we went to Laguna Beach on Thursday, to one of our favorite places for tidepools. It was so windy and cold--high wave advisories and all--we didn't think we'd have any fun. But the huge waves had brought in all sorts of beautiful shells and creatures--live clams and barnacles and brittle stars, sea urchins and spiny hermit crabs that played peek-a-boo with Dangerboy, made him belly laugh. I took this tidepool picture of a tiny shell like a cornucopia filled with pieces of tinier shells and sea dust. It was like a tidepool within a tidepool--makes you wonder how far down it goes? (Is it turtles all the way?) (Does anyone know that joke?)

The top picture is The Tetons: Snake River by Ansel Adams. Love the photograph--love the place.

Two diamonds in the rough

A friend sent me this great Washington Post article (it's called "Pearls before Breakfast"--you probably have to register to see it, so I'll summarize). Joshua Bell, one of the greatest--and certainly most popular--living classical violinists, tried an experiment one January morning during rush hour in a Washington DC metro station. He put on a baseball cap, took out his $3.5 million-dollar-Stradivarius, set out the case for tips, and started to play. He played for 45 minutes, some of the most demanding solo violin masterpieces, just to see who would listen. The music director of the National Symphony Orchestra predicted that, out of 1000 people, maybe 40 would stop, and he'd make a hundred bucks.

Out of over 1000 people, seven people stopped, only one recognized him, and he made about 32 bucks (he can make up to $1000 per minute for a performance). Now, some might say that this is because classical music has ceased to be relevant. But if you read the article, this doesn't seem to be the case--those who did stop weren't necessarily classical music fans; they simply listened, and could sense that this was no ordinary street performer--this was something that spoke to them. Every child that passed wanted to stop, even tried to stop and listen, but were pushed onward by adults. Most people, it seems, were too busy, in too much of a hurry; one person didn't even notice there had been a musician there at all, even after walking about four feet away from Bell--he'd been listening to his Ipod.

So, this experiment, yet again, proves to me how easy it is to be sidetracked by mundanity--getting to the next place, accomplishing the next errand, surviving. What else are we missing, I wonder?

Another diamond: The Discovery Science Center in Santa Ana. SO fun! Take your kids! But not this week--it's spring break--and probably not in the morning. (I'm told after 1:30 is best. It was crazy crowded because of a special bubble exhibit.) There's a very fun exhibit there now called Sesame Street: the Body in which kids can wreak havoc in Hooper's store, hang out with Elmo in a crayon-drawn house, and play with Oscar's disgusting model of the digestive system. Throughout the museum the exhibits are high-tech; kids can play on a laser harp, experience hurricanes and earthquakes, play virtual volleyball on a green screen, and walk though a dinosaur. There are four or five areas specifically for under-five-year-olds. We probably won't go back until Dangerboy is almost three, because he'll appreciate more of it then, but he had a blast this time. Exhibits switch around regularly too--in summer there's a pirate one, and in the fall, one on mummies.

The picture, Street Musicians, is by William Henry Johnson.

Sunday in the Park with George

Sorry I've been remiss. I've started rehearsals this week for a show at UCI. It's Stephen Sondheim's Sunday in the Park with George, based the speculated lives of the people in this painting by Georges Seurat. It is beautiful, well-composed and well-thought-out (it won the Pulitzer in 1995), sad and hopeful. I've been impressed so far with the cast and the production--both seem quite professional for a student show. But the music is really hard! So when I'm not in rehearsals (which go until about 10:00 PM almost every night) I'm practicing.

Dangerboy has been an angel--mostly. He discovered worms today. He squealed every time he poked them. He likes ants too--he got one to crawl on his hand, and showed me, saying "bug-uh, bug-uh." He got mad when it crawled off.

We drove to the beach for lunch yesterday and found a great picnic spot with good tidepools at Laguna. DB found a mussel shell and used it as a shovel--we had to drag him away from the piles his was making when it was time to go. The waves still make him nervous, but I can tell the beach is going to be lots of fun this year. It's just like a giant sandbox!