"Modest" Bathing Suit Review...

...Ahh, if only it were a Revue...
So I've been looking for a new bathing suit. It's been about ten years since I had a new one, and both fashion and my body are a leeeeetle bit different than they were, say, when I was nineteen. I own two bathing suits--one is a generic black ribbed number I think I got at Walmart; the other one has buttons. And is plaid. I need say no more.

I don't really have the time to go slogging through malls looking for the ideal suit, particularly under florescent lighting (am I right?) so I started looking online. And it became a bit of an obsession.

I'm now familiar with practically all the websites that sell "modest" swimsuits, but I discovered (again) that there are levels of modesty. Most of the the "Mormon-owned" clothing companies sell suits that actually cover the least skin. And then there are suits that cover significantly more, the philosophy being that there shouldn't be a double standard for land and sea modesty. (Which I get.) These sites cater to Mormons, but more often to Jews, conservative Christians, and Muslims.

The Mormony/Christian/Jewish ones usually turn out looking like dresses:That's OK and stuff. I like the sportier ones from Ohana. They look more like something you'd see on the beach since they kinda look like wetsuits: Hydrochic has some sportier ones too, looser, and with sleeves.

Then there are the Muslim suits:
And now I don't feel that I can even pretend to be modest wearing a standard one-piece. But, oh well; I don't like swimming with clothing swirling around me, and I can't really pull off the sporty look. I do like to feel the sun on my shoulders.

So here's my review of the not-really-modest "modest" swimsuits. I noticed most of the "modest" sites cater to women under 30, I think; more flirty than sophisticated. Any of these suits run about $80; a bit of a splurge, but I figure if I play my cards right it'll last another ten years!

• I liked Hapari's tankinis best, if I didn't have kids (to stain a white-background suit) and wanted people to look at me (I don't--I just want people who happen to see me not to run away in terror. Like they do when I wear the black suit). Here was my favorite:
• I also liked Layers's tankinis, again, if I were 10 years younger and/or looked like the models.
  
• I liked these retro ones, but unfortunately I have hips.
• Land's End's suits were nice if a little boring for my taste. They had a great function where you can try the suit on a virtual model of your size...wait, did I say that was a great function? Actually I did it, and realized I did not look good in that suit.

I am pleased with the suit I ultimately bought from Shade Clothing. It's not as flashy but I think it's a bit flattering, and it was cheaper too. (They're even on sale now, running about $50 for a whole suit). I actually sent the top back because some it the stitching was a bit bunchy, so I don't technically have it in hand (the picture below is the web site's not mine!)--but when it finally comes (again), it will be a satisfying end to a long search.

And a long post. Boy, I spent waaaaay too long doing this, but like I said: it was an obsession. And now to find the perfect cover-up...

PS, I forgot to put some of the sites that got the"gong:"

Modbe: Actually does have some cute tankinis, but rainbow-colored ruffles around my hips? Maybe if I were six.
These too-wholesome little numbers. Their site says their suits are meant to draw attention to the face, not the body...but I'd be distracted by the fact that these poor women have to swim in something resembling a body bag.